I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
