I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
