Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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