I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
