Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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