I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You ate ashes out of my bong
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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