Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
