My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
