Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
