I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
