First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
