Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
