you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Operation Purity has been aborted
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
