sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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