your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
