You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
