I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
