I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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