I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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