Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
