i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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