My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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