Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
