I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I feel like abortions should bother me more
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
