Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
