My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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