I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
