All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
