I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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