You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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