dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
