I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
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