My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
