Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
