I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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