you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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