apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
