I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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