bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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