a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
