I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
