Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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