omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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