trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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