Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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