I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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