allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
