dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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