HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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