names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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