People in love make me want to vomit
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
