Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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