what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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