david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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