dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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