ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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