there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
