I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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