When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
