So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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